Especially this winter. Don't wanna see it go. I had Wills on a really chilly day. I brought him home on a crisp fall day. His baby dedication outside was chilly. The day he went to Heaven was chilly. And the day we had his gathering was chilly. You get the picture...
And this spring is haunting me...reminding me of last spring. When I got pregnant with this little marvelous boy.
Spring of 2013 looked a lot like this...
Lots of Pikos. And leggings.
Complaining about weight.
Complaining about not being totally ready for baby #2.
Throwing up.
Insecure.
Exhausted.
Anxiety.
Untrusting.
Control freak.
Hating the smell of macarons.
Fighting with Walt.
Ungrateful.
Even a trip to the ER thinking I was dying from macaron baking overload. Seriously.
Lots of vino (before the preg test obviously!)
Pity parties.
Looking at my house as not good enough.
Depressed at my lack of growing friendships.
It was ugly :(
And now that winter is thawing out and spring is starting to wake up...I am consumed with guilt over where I was last spring. The lies are just really coming in strong waves. I don't like the reminder of me before Wills.
Let me put it this way... Anyone else out there able to walk through the cologne department and smell one in particular and be transported back to your first crush in 6th grade? Okay that's me. Nostalgics overload in this body and brain.
So here I sit. Painfully reminded of how ugly I was last spring and hating it. I was on my own nerves. Self absorbed and self annoyed. Today has been really tough. I so badly want to be so different and do believe I am. But gosh...the tears are just flowing freely today.
And of course........ Jesus met me here today. In this ache. In this regret of the former. In this hope of the future.
And He said to my heart: "You weren't on my nerves last spring."
He loved me there. Enough to trust me with Wills. Enough to die for me so He could be my salvation song. Deep breaths. He came for me WHILE in my filth.
His love is unfailing. Romans 8...nothing can separate us from the love of God that is ours in Christ Jesus. Our ugliest seasons are opportunities for Him to meet us and be known through us. He is Love. Do we really know what that means? Really. In my ugliest moments, Jesus asked to hang out. Not only to hang out, but to partner in life with me. And not only to partner in life with me, but actually to take all my ugly and I get His righteousness to call my own. Crack open that bible and start memorizing where He says we are new creatures. It'll change your world.
He also keeps reminding me that He is doing a NEW thing here. In me. In my home. In my family. Who knows what that NEW thing is - but it's the work of my God who I give myself to completely. Sanctification is a beautiful process. Forget the former. Embrace that you aren't on Gods nerves today - humble yourself and get excited about His work in your life. He's worthy :)
On a lighter note...I have been so busy with macarons! Valentines day was huge for me. It was great getting to bake for so many people. I loved it so much and it gave me such a high that when Walt didn't get me anything for Valentines I genuinely didn't care! I am seriously just so happy to have him! God has filled me up with Himself and so many other GREAT things and people. I officially have a full cup of joy and it feels oh so good! I can tell such a difference in my heart. Obviously still struggling with different aspects of life but I think maybe that's just life here? Who knows. Always asking Him :)
A couple days ago I went in Wills' room to grab something and left with the slightest grin on my face. Healing...
Walts working like a crazy person. So proud of him and his sacrifice for his family. Single ladies - look for a man that bears fruit. Not necessarily a textbook "spiritual leader". Especially not one that calls himself that pridefully.
Well I'm all out of fresh sentences and thoughts for now. Back to the kitchen while Fenley Grace naps..
Lauren
30th Birthday Dinner with Walt :)
Mommy and Me matching necklaces from Fenley for my big day!
Confession: that's my fork. It was a stressful day.
Walt and Fenley before the daddy/daughter dance at valentines.
Tammy - one of Wills' amazing night nurses picking up her valentines macarons! Love this sweet woman so much.
And of course... Wills :) getting to change that sweeties diaper in the NICU. Answered prayer right there. He is faithful.
