Pity Party

Hello, my name is Lauren Masa Landrum Bowie and I threw my very own pity party this morning. It was really fun... Ok, not really. 

Among the thoughts this morning...

1) Why me?

2) 9 weeks is a long time to know your son has a "not livable" condition diagnosis. We are in our 9th week currently and have 36 days left at the most. We are weary.

3) My blood pressure has been a little elevated so I can't really do a whole lot and really really have to watch what I eat. Goodbye, October candy corn obsession.

4) I don't want to go to the grocery store.

5) Fenley is really hard to potty train and I am failing miserably. 

6) I just want to get dressed, feel cute, go on a date with my husband and not think about such heavy things for even a moment...

7) I feel really fat :)

8) I'm tired of wearing the same clothes over and over and over...

9) I miss Walt. Mondays are never pretty for me because we've had him home all weekend and now we are back by ourselves. 

You get the picture. 

One of the hardest things right now is knowing how to pray, what to pray, what to ask for, what to expect in faith, etc... I know I am over complicating it. I know I just need to be honest with God. My honesty right now is just not very inspiring and it's kinda exhausting...even just trying to be honest with myself. 

All that said... I do have a point to my rambling. 

I'm a picture person. I always have my camera. Well, I lost my camera charger. It's an older model so finding a replacement charger has been hard and has been on my to do list since about February :) the closer we get to Wills' delivery, the more this camera charger has nagged my mind (of the million other things). 

This morning during my pity party, I started looking at my list to see what I could get out of the way, from home, while I'm on self imposed bed rest (my doctor thinks I'm crazy I'm sure...he told me bed rest was not necessary but I'm trying to do all I can to keep me and Wills healthy). Seeing that camera charger still on my list, I felt the Holy Spirit say... Call your grandparents. I shrugged it off. He said it again. So I called my dads parents in Laurel and left them a voice message knowing they probably thought I was crazy too, looking for this random camera charger. 

Short story long :) she called me back and said they had a random camera charger in their junk drawer that fits LP-E5 batteries...my exact charger. Turns out I left it there when we had Fenleys second birthday party there in January of this year. She's mailing it to me today and I was overly excited about this sweet victory. We get off the phone and I felt God say to my heart...

You didn't pray about your camera charger. But I found it for you and met that desire so you could have a charged camera at the hospital for Wills' arrival. How much more do you think I have his arrival planned? 

Cue the happy tears... I've said it before and I'll say it again... He's taking really good care of me :) once again, God has intervened in my misery and turned it into hope! Is our diagnosis different? Nope. Do I know anything new about Wills or the delivery? Nope. But God comes and says...I AM ENOUGH. And I say back and I deeply know that yes, You certainly are...

That's all for today, little world...from one mama that had a pity party, who thought she was alone, but turns out someone else attended that pity party and even brought me a present...my missing camera charger :)

Highlights

Well I started a blog, so I guess that means I need to blog some :)

We had our 31 week appointment today and baby Wills is up to 3 pounds and 11 ounces. His heart rate was good, too. And so far no swelling for this mama (who had preeclampsia with my last pregnancy). We had such a peace about this appointment today and God blessed us with good news and we take it as a pure gift from Him on this journey. It lifted our spirits and hearts. 

I'm at my parents house for the night because Fenley and Walt went to West to help his dad with peanuts tomorrow morning. I can honestly say Walt is home to me now and that's a good feeling (no offense, mom and dad). Nothing is as fun without him. I guess I'll keep him :)

There are a few highlights to life right now... No matter the dark season you think you are in, there are always bright spots. A few of my current highlights:

1) Shout out to Fenley Grace and her awesome hair styling skills with her My Little Pony horses. It's amazing to watch her play and how she wants me fully there...as in "both feet on the bed" or "booty on the floor" or "watch me, mama". She loves my full attention and makes my life as a mama feel pretty special. 

2) I looked up the definition of marvelous again and it occurred to me to read the antonyms of marvelous. The opposite of marvelous is: commonplace, awful. So we know this story God is writing isn't commonplace or awful. He has not lifted the curtain to the ending yet but is revealing tidbits along the way. I love that about Him!

3) The encouragement from our families, friends and even people we have never met or rarely see has been remarkable. And so humbling. We got a card in the mail the other day that we actually didnt know who it was from and it was a very cool feeling. I could go on and on... Just know the thoughtfulness and support and prayers are so beyond appreciated. 

4) We found a photographer that does sessions for families that may not have long with their babies. I am obsessed with her work and she just so happens to be certified to do the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep (an organization that is AMAZING and I didn't even know it existed before any of this) sessions in addition to her awesome regular work. Her name is Jennifer Rutledge and we have not met yet but we have already bonded through email. I asked her about when to mail her our deposit and she replied that she does this as a gift to the family. Which made me cry very happy tears. I told Walt it was the first time that I had felt like "the least of these", someone serving us in a way we could not repay them. (www.rutledgephotography.com)

5) A pastor at Pinelake who will remain nameless :) has tended to us so boldly in Christ. He has been our Paul in this. Keeping our theology in check, making sure we don't go down any "is this my fault?" roads. Loving on us through the Word and reminding us of REAL truth. He calls us out when our thinking is off and points us back to Christ and the work on the cross. Our meetings have proven to provide much energy for this chapter God is writing. 

6) I have discovered eggless cookie dough. From Fresh Market and worth every penny ($7.99 for a pint). I'm convinced a pregnant woman invented this stuff. 

7) One of my favorite parts of the day is hearing the garage door open around 5:30 or 6:00... Knowing Walt is home to hang out with his girls :) we would go to work with him every day if he would let us. The days we get to meet him for lunch (usually somewhere glamorous like Chickfila) are so fun. Fenley instantly leaves me in the dust and turns into a major daddy's girl.

8) Baby Wills has hair! We can see it on the ultrasound! I am getting REALLY excited about meeting this baby boy. He and I will have a bond that lasts past a lifetime and that I know to be true.

9) Last and absolutely not least... When I open my bible and am feeling despair set in, but I choose to dig in instead of worry. And that mustard seed of faith kicks in and I KNOW God will meet me in this quiet space, and then He shows up and rains on my dry and thirsty land. He quenches my thirst and bears me up. Every. Single. Time. He is taking really good care of me and I am humbled and grateful.

To wrap up with some truth :) Good night, little world! 

"The LORD is good,

A strong refuge when trouble comes. 

He is close to those who trust in Him,"

Nahum 1:7

"Since He Himself has gone through suffering and testing, He is able to help us when we are being tested."

Hebrews 2:18

"So don't be afraid, little flock. For it gives your Father great happiness to give you the Kingdom."
Luke 12:32