Anyway, was working with my other dear friend up there yesterday and she made the comment... "Your little world has definitely grown." What a true statement! We rarely go somewhere that we aren't stopped and get to hear a heart warming story of how God has used Wills' life in their life, family, home. Proud momma. Strong son. Perfect God. Selfless Savior.
It's amazing to see what God is still doing here in the Bowie household. Learning that He will never stop. His pursuit of us is unending. Who needs unending unfailing love? Who needs a relationship that isn't based on status or performance? As one mentor/friend/truth guru texted me tonight... God is not a riddle. He's a green pasture :) Who needs a green pasture? Me, me, me! Now if I can just lie down in that green pasture instead of analyzing where I should put my blanket...
Shortly after Wills went to Heaven I was obsessed with hoping that Wills remembers me. I wanted him to remember what I look like. Remember my love. Know our story together. Know I'm writing and loving on behalf of him. Know that he is my mamas boy and how proud of him I am. Seriously was consumed with hoping he still knew me in a real way. Then one afternoon I had a worship session in my closet and The Lord put a beautiful hope on my heart... a hope that Wills knows ONE THING about me: that I claim his Savior as my Savior too. That my heart claims one name: Jesus. The same Jesus he lives with also lives in his mama and daddy. Wills is in Heaven and he is living WITH Jesus who is eternal life (1 John 1:2). And his mama is on earth and living THROUGH Jesus til I can be with them in eternal life... True bond. We share THE ONE thing really worth sharing :) makes me so happy to think about.
Ok so new normal is pretty entertaining to me lately...
1) Granny Jill somehow talked me into a spray tan today. Needless to say I still stink and have partially orange hands tonight as I type this.
2) I finally got my roots done last week. Teri at LaCru wouldn't let me pay her. Heart of gold. Love that woman. So I'm officially blonde again!
3) Our Christmas was really sweet and really hard, all at once :) Hard knowing I'm only two and a half months postpartum yet no baby carrier to tote around. Walt and I bought ourselves what we wanted for Christmas basically - just this one year am I letting it slide :) not one surprise under the tree for either of us. Yet the best Christmas to date. I carried Wills' lovey with me in my purse that day. It helped my heart. How good is God that we can have bleeding hearts yet still have a sweet and full holiday? When you go through something like this - as bad as it hurts and ugly as it feels - you realize you really only need Him to have peace.
4) Fenley woke me up a few mornings ago by saying... "Mommy, you're my hero." :)
5) I am planning my 30th birthday party - yes that's right...I'm planning it. Have I mentioned I'm a bit into celebrations? Poor Walt. No way he could plan what I have in my head. He knows it. I know it. Let's just say I see visions of pink, gold and glitter. Saying goodbye to my 20s and thrilled about it. I was born to be at least 30. Old soul. Used to tell my parents to tell boys who asked me out that I couldn't date yet. Such a nerd.
6) Also planning Fenleys 3rd birthday and per her request - an alligator party. I specifically told the girl designing the invites that I didn't want a "preppy alligator" theme but instead like a "whimsical or funky alligator" theme. I get the file emailed to me from her and the title of the file was "Preppy Alligator". Haha. I got my panties in a wad for about 3 seconds - then remembered I'm not that person anymore, shrugged my shoulders, emailed her a few changes and moved on. "First world problems" have never left me easier. I love it. And I now love Fenleys party invitations :) just not sure I'll ever get them mailed out!
7) Have gotten to rekindle a few old relationships lately. Been so cool. One friend in particular is a soul sister for sure now. I stayed with my parents last night and she came over. My dad cooked for us and we shared a bottle of red wine and our hearts (and maybe a few tears) by the fire til after midnight. She's 6 years younger than me and way wiser I do believe :) huge heart, steady hand, big prayers. She trusts The Lord with abandon and it's inspiring to me. She doesn't see that about herself but it's oh so true. Also obsessed with her mom who I want to come teach me how to decorate my house...with deer heads and still keep it classy like her :) I think that means I need a bigger house. Only one problem...likely I'll never move from this house now considering who I got to raise here :)
Really just learning more about myself and my God every day. Don't want to analyze as much. Want to be truly free to accept His marvelous love more readily. And to just live in His love. Want my heart to know how to melt into Him really well...and to admire His fingerprints on the souls He puts in my life. We all have a number of days. I want mine to be marked most with love...I want the story and do believe I am living the story that can only be written by Love Himself. Won't you join me? :)
Guess that's it for now. Learning to love for an audience of One and loving it...
Lauren
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